Really This Time

Posted: May 29, 2014 in Essays
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Alright, time for some candor. I started this blog several weeks ago because I wanted it to be an outlet for my darker side, the part of me that I would not like to be associated with my daily routine. However, I’ve already limited myself. A couple of years ago, I realized that part of my struggle with writing was I was afraid to get to the core of my psyche. I mean, I didn’t want to get so dark, that people wondered about me. So, ignore all the successful chilling writers, or the wonderful passionate poets who speak to the beauty of their real fantasies. My God, if I did that, well, someone might really know how truly twisted I am. So instead I write about some tripe like ‘Highways … ‘ and then spend the rest of the night beating myself up because I personally think it sucks. And, really quite frankly it does.

What is my point? I’m a very sexual man. I love sex, and I love the beauty of woman, and I adore the spontaneity of lust and passion and everything that goes with the wonder of allowing the physicality of our lives to be enhanced, acknowledged and explored. I particularly love the fascinating idea of a woman of substance treating herself to all of her pleasures ~ as I commonly like to say, a woman is capable of reaching all of those levels of arousal that any man dreams of being capable of triggering.  There are drawbacks, mainly my inability to step into that private world of desire, to walk along the path of sexual release without censor. I haven’t gotten there yet, and in my journey I have wondered what the reason is I want to get there. Is it just because I’m a horny guy that enjoys self-stimulation to relieve my stress? Or is it because I have yearned over half my life for the ability to explore my sexual prowess by bringing a woman to the throes of her sensuality at my hands. And what I wonder is that factor? Well, the only conclusion I usually come to is it is my own personal need to be recognized.

Ego. Who am I? What is my identity when I walk in our world, our society, my neighborhood, favorite coffee-shop. I often fear I am that old guy past his time, and then I see someone older than me putting on the charm. I often realize it is my marriage that I feel torn from when I explore my deeper notions of sexual release, knowing they don’t include my spouse. Please know I have tried, and come to the conclusion I am unable to change a person that does not wish to change. In the end I have the utmost respect for my spouse, but sadly, it leaves me a very horny man.

I guess the bottom line of this write is I’m trying to be perfectly honest with who I am and why I am exploring the avenues I choose in this blog, and along with that, want my readers to recognize I am a pretty typical male, one that reacts from his dick far more than is probably healthy. My hope is I will find that balance. I am open to your commentary, because one thing I have realized in recent weeks is that there is a lot of study of the human condition in these readings, and that is fascinating. Couple that with a delightful vein of eroticism, and I believe I am in the right place.

Your thoughts are very, very welcome! Thanks for listening.

  1. Hey, I liked “Highways…” — I don’t think it sucked. I think this is a courageous post, with you being open and “trying to be perfectly honest with who I am and why I am exploring the avenues I choose in this blog.” People write for various reasons, and one reason I write is that it helps me explore my fantasies. Like you, I’m also married, and I also have fantasies. I write about those. From what I’ve read on other blogs, we’re certainly not the only ones around here who do that. I’m glad you believe that you’re in the right place, that writing/sharing on your blog helps you with those things you’d like to explore. I think these blogs are a great way to find others in a similar situation, and to share with them that we are out there. It helps us be recognized. We’re in good company.


  2. Thanks man, I appreciate your words, and I do agree with you – I think the best thing I like about this blog is that I can speak freely, but even when I feel a bit nervous about what I am saying, I can go back and reflect upon that. Opens up some doors – I will keep stepping through. 🙂


I would love your commentary

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