Boundaries and Marriage

Posted: June 10, 2014 in Essays
Tags: , , , ,

I’m married. I have been for nearly 25 years. Thank you for that complement. I always appreciate when people do honor the institution of marriage. I mean, really when you think about it, staying committed to the same person for that period of time is quite an accomplishment, given that often the relationships people have before they marry last maybe anywhere from a few months to a few years. I’m certainly not an expert on marriage, but when I think about it, it is a decision, along with an agreement, and finally a willingness to give. Problem is, I’m a taker. I’ve sucked the juices out of this marriage until nothing remains beyond the human luxury of living together, siring a couple of fabulous children, and waking up, hanging out, and being best friends in public. (For those of you hoping some romantic character is going to suddenly evolve from these words, I’m sorry, that isn’t on the agenda.) I suppose the reason I’m writing this is because it helps me to sort things out. So, let’s get back to that I’m married thing, and oh, yeah, what is the purpose of throwing ‘boundaries’ in the title? Well, I suppose that is where the freedom of this blog comes into play.

I’m not a happy man. I’m searching, and have been for a long time. My unhappiness or perhaps, anxiety permeates into every aspect of my life. I always seem to want what I cannot have, so I find substitutes. In this case, provocative-postures, allows me to create moments that I typically would not share in my daily routines. And now, in recent days, I’ve come to realize that even that is stifled. When my work gets stifled my writing tends to suck, in my own assessment. Some of you, a few of you, may disagree, and for that I am thankful, but I yearn for something.

I have a pretty active fantasy life. I like to imagine the throes of a sexual tryst with a beautiful woman that I control. I don’t mean in a master / submissive sort of dynamic, I’m still trying to wrap my head around that lifestyle. What I mean is I love to give a woman pleasure, especially when she allows me to, gives me the open door to play with her sensuality in any manner, or direction I choose. I consider myself to be a genteel man, so if you’re looking for the guy that will slam you against a wall before entering you while gripping a fistful of your lovely hair, as my teeth bite into your neck, pounding you until it almost hurts – I’m not your guy. I could be though, I suppose if you trusted me enough to try to teach me. Instead, I’m the guy that will delicately move my fingertips and lips and tongue and skin across your body in such a manner that my goal would be to eventually have your mind lose consciousness while you writhe with pleasure reaching climax, only to open your eyes and see me smiling with great pleasure knowing I have attempted to satisfy your delicious needs.

So, yeah, let’s talk about sex. I love it, I really do, and I miss it so much. My spouse well, she’s insatiable. At least she used to be, I couldn’t catch up. Well, that’s not exactly true – I always had to begin, and after awhile I became bored. if I wanted sex, I simply made the move, and she would comply, but move toward me, take control, take my penis in her mouth in a manner that suggested she wanted to please me, no, that is not something I have experienced. Take control in a manner that when I entered her it was about getting me off, no, that hasn’t really been a pattern. Wake me in the middle of the night with her hands stroking me to show me she, um, loves me? Nah, that hasn’t happened either. So, I return to my fantasy life … which lately, is becoming a little unsettling.

I began this passage because I wanted to talk about those keywords, boundaries and marriage. I find that when I used to want to, after a night of trying to get laid away from my marriage, and coming home unsuccessfully, I could easily have sex with my wife, and all of my aggression would become her pleasure. I have not ever felt she was faking her pleasure, but if she has, well, then she’s a better actor than me, and that is my profession. I guess the thing I’m curious about is when do the frustrations of a partnership begin to interfere with the physicality of a relationship to such a degree that the couple become those two ships in the night? I am curious, I am soul-searching, I am in the meantime, available, intellectually, though I would love to imagine giving pleasure to a woman who wants to be satisfied, rather than obligated.

For now, I continue to try my hand at erotica, which, of late, just hasn’t been that satisfying. A lot of you and your writings though, are simply fabulous.

Thanks for listening.

  1. theagingsub says:

    My husband and I were those two ships in the night, for many years on and off. Best friends and partners whose passion had not been properly nurtured. I could tell you what happened with us if that would help?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wet Bliss says:

    As a follow up to our chat last night, I can “like” and leave a “comment” from my laptop today, so if you didn’t make any changes I think you just need to enable the mobile feature to better accommodate your readers (me!) go to Dashboard > Appearance > Mobile and then click the radio buttons to “Enable mobile theme” and then update. I read on the go a lot from my phone and I would really like to let you know if I like something or leave a thought. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. wbdeejay says:

    I feel an understanding of your thoughts here. A markedly similar personal situation perhaps. So thankyou for voicing the sometimes unvoicable. I really liked the fantasy blended into the middle, it turned a monologue into an engaging tale.
    For my own experience, in answer to the question posed, I experience an imbalance in the relationship. The frustrations and neglect experienced over 20 years have created a wall that has stifled my feelings and affection. But my wife seems happy with our situation even as it changes. I continue to search for understanding and meaning, while feeling the rift grow wider with time.


  4. wbdeejay says:

    Reblogged this on Of Love and Loss and commented:
    Thoughts a mirror of my own.


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