Archive for the ‘Essays’ Category

daddy

“Daddy, I need you.”

So enticing, so delicious. But today, I’m speaking of ‘daddy’ usage in a different venue. What is it about this word ‘daddy’ that bugs me so much when it is used in circles of sexual proclivity. I hear it so often and certainly would by lying if I said I didn’t want to be referred to that as well, if it means me getting underneath the dress of a beautiful woman; however I can honestly say, the term has never been spoken to me in hushed gasps in the throes of having sex, or making love. Yet, I hear it used so often in the D/s counter-culture, in the readings certainly here in these blogs, and the occasional reference in Craigslist or other back-page advertisements of sexual need, deviant desire, hidden secrecies of erotic pursuits.

‘Daddy’

‘I’m looking for my daddy’

‘young submissive delight needs her daddy’

Certainly the references will go on and on, and everyone is generally familiar with their context. For me, it raises the question of whether or not this feeds the denigration and view of women in our society today? I have read enough accounts of the D/s subculture to leave me quite intrigued and wanton of the opportunity to explore the lifestyle, the beautiful outcomes, the essence of delightfully submissive passion created through masterful desires and exploration is enough to make anyone curious, if not jealous of those that have embraced the lifestyle wholly without reservation. That said, I wonder though if everyone gets it, and if those that don’t lend to a more severely repressive and dangerous precedent toward the image of ‘woman’ in our society today. Certainly there can also be argument toward the reversal of gender roles in the practice as well.

To the outsider, that’s me unfortunately, I am worried about the term as it applies to women in our society. I love the idea of a woman getting down on her knees at my command, and exploring my sexual need with all the passion of an erotic goddess, but I worry about the men in our society that take advantage of the term and rather than recognize a woman for her sheer elegance, instead let the term permeate their already skewed objectivity of females in our society. I have tried to wrap my head around this since beginning blogging under this pseudonym, and I would be delighted to continue a dialogue on the subject.

In the end, I truly love women in all of their beauty, desire, compassion and sexual fire. There is nothing more attractive to me than the sight of a woman in the throes of a climax, whether I am observing or have the delightful opportunity to help provide that needed  level of stimulation toward orgasmic pleasure. Nothing comes close. I just wonder, and with respectful curiosity, pose the question to my community of bloggers.

Happy New Year to everyone. Be safe and positive with your energy as you close the door on simply, another day!

Well, it has been a while and time I create a new installment. Things were taking a positive change during my last writing, and I am happy to say our lives continue to move forward. Perhaps I should rename this passage, ‘exploring new options … together.’

However, I’m going to stray a little bit and talk about the summer. As I have said before I am extremely thankful of the many ‘blog relationships’ that have occurred with my involvement in this blog world. I know people with very similar interests to my own. I have engaged in scintillating conversation, while recognizing the impulsive yet, wide open nature of the blog lifestyle (if you can call it that). I originally began this blog because I wanted to touch on the sensual side of my writing, to openly and freely write about erotica. Some of the writing initially turned into what I would call soft-porn, nothing ever really clicked. That said, there were many pieces I felt really captured the fantasy world I live in, and allowed me to speak to some of those fantasies in a safe and delightful venue. At the same time, as I put my work on and read the volumes of tremendous work here, a couple of you know who you are, I also discovered new found passions for my wife. The more I wrote the more the material has seemed geared toward her and I am happy with that outcome.

So now here we are, the end of summer is upon us – I feel a Don Henley song coming – and it is time to move forward as my free-time wanes and in the professional daylight, my responsibility increases rather quickly. Thus I will not have as much time to play here. I have discovered things about myself here, I have learned nuances about a few of you. I have discovered a friendship here that I do hope will move far beyond our summer intrigue. Finally, I have discovered my spouse again, and as we celebrate our years together, I can honestly say the fires have come alive.

If you recall, the last time I wrote here, I talked about our sexual exploits together.

a week at the cabin

So, last time I spoke of the cabin, I mentioned our sex life had come alive, but was still not where I wanted. I also touched on the idea that things were moving in the right direction yet there was still some confusion. Well, we returned to the cabin for another week of relaxation and sex. Yes, indeed, our rituals began as soon as I lit the natural gas of the cabin, and we had put away all of our supplies. I then grabbed my spouse by the arms – gently of course and pulled her against me with her back upon my chest. She was chuckling and not really sure what was happening. Saving the details, we were soon in position with her splayed over the dining room table and me grasping her hips in full motion. This was new to us, this was spectacular, this is where we belong, and for the next five nights, we went to bed this way, and woke up the morning in the same manner. Amazing.

We are home now, and the physicality of our relationship has not waned. In fact, we are now working on ‘every room in the house’ something we should have done 10 years ago, yet, there was always something standing in the way. I have to say lately I have come to believe, that obstacle has been me.

Our boundaries are strong, our marriage is on fire. I bid you all good night.

 

 

(This is lengthy)

I think it’s funny how life can throw us so many curveballs. I remember starting this ‘installment’ I guess I will call it several weeks ago, and then hitting a wall. Lately it has been really easy for me to fall back to poetry and avoid writing essays. I guess I am a little scared, there seems to be more commitment to writing a narrative versus free verse prose. Nonetheless, it is about time I talk about boundaries and marriage – been awhile.

Remember a few installments ago, I spoke of my frustration toward giving and not receiving. As I get older, and I am getting old, I find that seems to be a pretty well worn out mantra for men. We just seem to want a lot. Anyway, my how a couple of epiphanies can change your day altogether. My partner and I have become far closer than we have been in years, and I think it is partly due to the people I interact with here. I’ve met many people with a varying degree of advice and ideals that have certainly experienced the same things we all have – boredom, confusion, guilt, impulsivity, balance – I could go on forever. That said, I have taken chances and rather than only waiting for her to respond to me, I have decidedly gone after her, with a voracious appetite toward bringing her to orgasm.

This has been a great deal of fun. Our sex life has come alive again, leaving me coming home horny nearly every night. No, every night to be sure. Our intimacy has been remarkable. Take for example the other night. I have taken to giving my partner back rubs every evening as we fall asleep, or even when I crawl into bed in the middle of the night and she has been sleeping for hours. I just love touching her soft skin, and she does not complain. The other night she came home from work with a migraine. I was out so she said she was going to bed to try to settle her head. So, I thought, why not go the direction of soothing warmth with our back rubs. I went to a local market and bought some very sexy lotions. Ironically, as I stood there trying to decide which to buy, the delicious lotions are stocked in the same shelving as condoms. A very fetching lass popped to my side, reached and grabbed a well-stocked box of condoms, and then swiftly disappeared without eye contact. I just looked at my shoes. But, I digress – I came home and my son was downstairs. I said I’m going up to help mom with her headache, I will be awhile. That was sort of his cue to keep him and his sister out of earshot of our room. It worked.

I walked into the room, shut the door, and immediately removed all of my clothes. She asked me why I was doing that, and I told her I was going to give her a back rub. She said, ‘do you have to be naked?’ and I said it feels right. She chuckled as I stepped my leg over her behind and sat on her, surely tucking my penis in a soft way on top of her buttocks to not interfere. The initial arousal from that singular moment was rather fun, but I had a job to do. So, I began soothing her back with my hands, being sure to look for every region that seemed tight. She was relaxing, and asked me to focus on her neck, she thought that would help. I did, for about ten minutes, and then I paused. I dropped several measures of lotion onto her naked back, and she said, ‘what’s that?’ I told her and she chuckled and asked where I got it, and then I told her the story of standing at the counter, feeling a bit shy. She laughed some more, and I proceeded to give her a long and satisfying back rub. I will say I was semi-erect the whole time, safely tucked of course inside her buttocks upon a layer of her lingerie. I laid by her side afterward and continued to give attention to her skin, drawing my fingertips everywhere just to keep her settled and relaxed. We talked for some time and she slowly fell to sleep. I just looked at her, and thought about how much I missed these moments, and took pleasure in knowing there are so many like this ahead of us. Epiphany #1

So, that was pleasant, right? I will continue with my second epiphany. A few weeks ago, we made love well into the night, it was becoming sort of a regular thing. The next morning she woke up before me and proceeded to give me a hand job. Her effort did not meet my standards – please read on – and so after awhile she became tired and stated her hand was starting to hurt. I rolled over and held her, but really sensed I had blown it by not taking the burden off of her. I then later that day dialogued with a new friend here in ‘blog world’ who gave me very good advice, that I needed to turn the tables on her humility and give her another chance. I felt the old pangs of years of resentment and dissatisfaction coming on, but I needed to hold those at bay, and give this a try. That night, we went to bed early, and our foreplay began immediately. Pretty soon, we were accomplishing wonderful things – really want to know don’t you, well use your imagination – and later as we were lying rather exhausted in each others arms, I began to slowly fondler her clit with my fingertips. She was just moments away from an orgasm so many times, and I just wanted to get her there. Her arousal began again, and a rhythm took place, and soon she reached over and grabbed my cock and began pumping with a vengeance that was sure to let me explode like I never had before. We simulated this masturbation with one another for several minutes and she reached … and we lay in each others arms panting. I was dumbfounded and delighted and hard as a rock all at the same time, so I entered her in a spooning moment and we finished the practice for the night. We fell asleep connected.

I tell you all this because this is about marriage and boundaries, and though I have wonderful news from the home front, it has a lot to do with my interactions here, and my ability to write my sensual words in this blog. It excites me, and when I read your words, I get that much more excited and now want to bring these ideas, rituals, and pleasures into my own bed. So far, we are having wonderful success with that ideal.

I must conclude that there are added pleasures that I am receiving from this blog life that sometimes leaves me staring into the darkness at twilight with a perpetual smile on my face. I think you’re all delightfully erotic people, and if you are still with me, I appreciate you coming along for the ride.

Beautiful Woman

Posted: July 17, 2014 in Essays
Tags: , , , ,
I just walked into my coffee shop and there is a beautiful woman sitting in the outdoor patio. She is stunning, to such a degree that I couldn’t help but say, ‘The outdoors are really tempting today.’ To which, she gave me a lovely smile and said, ‘yeah, they really are’ and I went about my way walking into the store. I can’t take my eyes off of her so I’ve chosen to sit inside where I can occasionally glance at her in a non-threatening way.
~
See, there’s where the point of my story begins. You have to understand the patio only contains two tables and a few chairs with their standard umbrellas. She is sitting at a table facing the other. So, being the drooling male I am, if I were to step out and sit at the next table, my motives would be clear. Certainly, unless I looked like Sting at 60 she would probably politely pack up and go, despite the wonderful pleasantries we exchanged at the beginning, and, oh, not to mention I am a married man.
~
This did leave me wondering though. Because in my mind, all I can think about is convincing her to move to her car, so I can slide her sundress up above her waist and have my way with her. Of course, that remains in my head, and will stay safely tucked away there. What leaves me curious is simply how often women have to tolerate such looks and inclinations from the men and women that pass her by in this short little afternoon scenario. I mean, quite evidently she is sitting outside because the day is gorgeous and she loves the energy of the sun on a beautiful afternoon. After all, what elegant woman wouldn’t?
~
So, as I glance upon this delightful vision, I am aware of myself, and taking solace in the fact that occasionally a male, that’s me, might choose to, um, keep it in my pants, rather than walk around with an open season mindset.
~
There are greater conquests to experience than simply assumptions.

 

Yes! – The Arrival

We did arrive in the woods after a long drive, excited to relax – we were going to go bicycling in the morning. The night sky was upon us when we pulled up, we did the usual, set up the cabin, open windows, start a wood fire – the temperature was in the 50’s so we needed to light the stove to take the edge off. Soon, everything was put away and we were in our nightclothes, me at my computer writing, and she on the couch reading – she had no idea what was about to occur. Either did I for the moment; however, all I could think about were how many occasions just like this had occurred in recent years, where no action was taken that could have been, but obstacles prevented them. Tonight, I thought has to be different. What I had begun a day or two ago had to continue.

What did happen then as the twilight stars began to bloom in the night sky, was quite beautiful – we did make love for several hours actually, exploring ourselves from room to room until we finally found ourselves in bed, laughing and chuckling about how pleasant this time was, and how long it had been, and how ridiculous the fact that we had let so much get in the way of making love to each other that we wouldn’t let it occur again, and in fact the rest of the week would be wonderful. Ah, such peace and relaxation, such absolute, ‘yes, this is okay’

… three days later …

Ah – The Reaction

This writing was, is a difficult one. I’m still in the woods. We are literally still in the woods. I bet you are thinking, what a perfect place to rediscover yourselves, with nature all around, no distractions from city life, just the two of you with a natural maple backdrop, birds singing, an occasional animal gracing the yard in a sort of pleasantry that knows no boundary, yet, only wants the couple to recognize how beautiful the world can be beyond that existent grind that will occur just beyond the next dell. One might imagine that with the wonderful start, the intimacy has just continued to blossom. On the other hand, one might think if there are questions to ask why not ask them now, no one is around – if the other begins to cry, you can just walk over and hold her until the sobbing subsides. What is preventing the questions, the difficult ones, those that really create the foundation of a ‘good partnership?’

Maybe fatigue. Perhaps it is a long journey that has removed some of that resilient strength that used to get me through these questionable times. It might be I just don’t have any faith in things changing. That’s a sad reality, almost sounds like I am giving up. It could be I am thinking the other option might be better. What is that option you ask? Well, it is that fantasy world that brought me here to this site in the first place. No, wait a second, I came here because I wanted to write about erotica, to get in touch with my steamier side, to help me better address the lack of intimacy in my marriage. Ah, will the circle ever be fucking broken.

Ok – The Reality

I have never had the will or resource to immediately address the issues that interfere with my marriage. Instead, I find I will easily withdraw. Take the morning that occurred. Around 4am, I got out of bed, and moved to the couch rather than continue to seethe in my waking and sleeping hours. I didn’t huff or create any dramatic moment, I just moved to another region of the cabin and went back to sleep. In the meantime, a few hours later, she got up and in vain tried to light a fire because she was cold. She was chilled because I wasn’t in bed with her to help keep her warm. She imagined it was because my back was bothering me, I imagined I was angry, and I kept it to myself. Instead of laying there watching her struggle, I got up off the couch and rousted the fire, receiving a thank you in the distance while she put on her morning face. I laid back on the couch, and stared off in the distance, one time, catching her attention when she asked, ‘are you alright?’ and I said, of course, ‘yes.’ And now you are asking, why didn’t you tell her right then and there?

Why don’t we ask the difficult questions at the proper time, rather than let them come out in a brash manner later on in the most predictable manner? Because, our cowardice kicks in right at the most inconvenient times. Maybe it has to do with past history. I recall years ago, an old relationship of mine, I think I’ve talked about her – the Europe girl – we were at the skirts of our time together, again our intimacy had waned, and the questions were not being asked. I remember sitting at our favorite breakfast spot, a comfortable staple in our lives, we were having the conversation. I at one point, while mixing my eggs with the hashbrowns, setting up the plate, turned to her and said, ‘what about sex?’ She paused, and rather than respond immediately I began to notice the red tint around her eyes, soon after her weeping became noticeable – enough for me to feel like a real asshole for putting her in such an uncomfortable position in a public venue. I felt terrible, and placed my hand on hers, and while she guarded her eyes from any possible onlookers, told her how sorry I was. She regained her composure, smiled, and breakfast continued. Our time together ended that day, it was only a matter of weeks before physically we parted ways forever.

The difference today, is our relationship is well established. That romantic interlude was a brief courtship of a couple of years in comparison to twenty five years. Therefore, I don’t believe the welling of eyes would indicate a soon parting of ways, but I do believe the fear still exists that somehow I would be breaking a vow by confronting the reality of our situation. And that is where the real rub lies. Trying to figure out a way to ask the difficult questions without having it sound confrontational. Human beings are so easily drawn into the blame game rather than take responsibility for our own actions. I could easily suggest that her lack of intimacy is driving me stir crazy and the reality is that certainly seems the case, but at the same time what is making her feel bad going to do to resolve the situation?

… only moments later …

somehow I made a comment about how lovely her breasts felt lately, and she joked back it had been a long time since I had touched them. I followed with it had been quite awhile since you … and the conversation slowly drifted away. What is important is that some conversation did occur, whether that is a benefit or not, time will tell. I do know one thing for certain, I have been preoccupied and analyzing this situation since day one, because rather than simply let nothing occur as has been the case now for quite some time, I need to figure out ways to move our relationship forward, specifically the intimacy or lack of.

Ah – The fix-it guy

Well, the week has passed and yes, we are heading home. We did enjoy the north-woods, the hiking and the bicycling, quiet meals, a few games of scrabble, late evening reading – you get the picture. Indeed! A few discoveries along the way:

  1. My spontaneity is real. If I want to have sex, I simply begin to make things happen. What happened the rest of the week was clearly control on my part; I waited to see if anything might happen from her end of things, her initiative. There were excuses, but generally nothing did. This has brought me to a conclusion I am not ready to speak of at this writing. Still working that part out. What it does tell me is that there are some hangups going on, from both sides – though I am not going to take complete responsibility, I do contribute to the confusion. And bottom line, allow a little bit of confusion, and it creates a large chaotic swath in the relationship.
  2. I do believe my lovely spouse is experiencing anxiety – an inability to fly xort of speak. Reminds me of Erica Jong’s first book, I read under my covers when I was 12 years old – maybe that is where the issues began – anyway her confidence is low, and the minute I give any indication that moves away from the idea of her actions, she will shut down in a heart beat. That is a pattern we have lived with for years.
  3. Here’s the real kicker. I believe when I make love to my wife, it has always been to bring her pleasure. Quite frankly the other night, though I think I did bring her the big O, with all the latest research I will never truly know, but I do believe I am a pretty good read of her reactions. I know for certain I did not climax, and really at the time it didn’t matter to me, because I knew I would have opportunity later in the week. I knew I would have opportunity later in the week …

So, tomorrow, we hit the road. I will post this sometime on Friday, as my fourth installment – this process is helpful, if for no other reason but to vent and perhaps get feedback from my listening and attentive readers. I do appreciate your commentary, and I more than anything appreciate your willingness to whine. My next poem begins now – it is titled, On Whining … A final note, I anticipate I will continue to write these installments, as this subject has become quite an evolving one for me, hopefully with no specific end result, but instead a constant growing catharsis.

I have recently found a new freedom in this blog and that is due to all of you. When I began this ‘provocative’ chapter in my life, I had intentions of simply finding an avenue to release my sexual tension, to allow my inner self to expose some of the notions that stir in my mind so frequently. I love fantasy, and I adore the opportunity to recognize other contributions to the same genre. I have read many delightful poems, and some incredibly enticing essays in this particular vein of wordpress, and I am now assured that I am not alone with my private postures, as I tend to call them.

I sometimes find myself enthralled by the words people share here, and as I reflect upon their titillating dialogue, I try to imagine the person themselves, and wonder if they are in the throes of their fantasy or are they just writers. I know that on occasion when I can really throw myself into a piece, I am incredibly aroused, yet, I am always hoping that is because my desire is for the reader to feel the same sensation. If I only wrote to arouse myself, well then, I might be accused of narcissism. Wait a second …

Many of you have given me lovely insights into my marriage and the need for communication. I believe that is a huge aspect of our current struggles, and one might suggest that my time and energy here is also responsible. Please know I have offered my partner access to everything I write – she is indeed aware of my idiosyncrasies, thankfully, after all of these years. That said, I will continue to explore the surreal nature of this site, and at the same time use what I might from your words, your suggestions, your travels, to better enhance our world. That brings me to another notion.

I do watch TV. Recently I have been seeing an advertisement for a new television series called, ‘Satisfaction.’ Anyone familiar? The premise from what I can see is that a couple has decided they need to go out with new partners in order to find satisfaction in their marriage. Now, I don’t think my partner will go for that, so I am wondering, how plausible is this theory. I know the activity exists, but I wonder truly, what it says about our society as a state of mind today. Whenever I see the ad, it leaves me a bit yearning, a bit envious, curious, and frustrated all at the same time. Well, that seems to be the American way? Probably not, but a good premise to carve away at I suppose.

I recently had a new friend refer to the ability to keep the flesh safe with all of the precarious natures of this society of blogging we are in. That is true, but like anything else, there comes responsibility. So, for all of you lovely, passionate people out there who allow me to delight in your words and find some enticement with my own, please, always, hold, me, accountable, if indeed, you sense I am losing my way.

For now, I have my morning coffee and will begin to celebrate the joy and reward of being a father.

Boundaries and Marriage

Posted: June 10, 2014 in Essays
Tags: , , , ,

I’m married. I have been for nearly 25 years. Thank you for that complement. I always appreciate when people do honor the institution of marriage. I mean, really when you think about it, staying committed to the same person for that period of time is quite an accomplishment, given that often the relationships people have before they marry last maybe anywhere from a few months to a few years. I’m certainly not an expert on marriage, but when I think about it, it is a decision, along with an agreement, and finally a willingness to give. Problem is, I’m a taker. I’ve sucked the juices out of this marriage until nothing remains beyond the human luxury of living together, siring a couple of fabulous children, and waking up, hanging out, and being best friends in public. (For those of you hoping some romantic character is going to suddenly evolve from these words, I’m sorry, that isn’t on the agenda.) I suppose the reason I’m writing this is because it helps me to sort things out. So, let’s get back to that I’m married thing, and oh, yeah, what is the purpose of throwing ‘boundaries’ in the title? Well, I suppose that is where the freedom of this blog comes into play.

I’m not a happy man. I’m searching, and have been for a long time. My unhappiness or perhaps, anxiety permeates into every aspect of my life. I always seem to want what I cannot have, so I find substitutes. In this case, provocative-postures, allows me to create moments that I typically would not share in my daily routines. And now, in recent days, I’ve come to realize that even that is stifled. When my work gets stifled my writing tends to suck, in my own assessment. Some of you, a few of you, may disagree, and for that I am thankful, but I yearn for something.

I have a pretty active fantasy life. I like to imagine the throes of a sexual tryst with a beautiful woman that I control. I don’t mean in a master / submissive sort of dynamic, I’m still trying to wrap my head around that lifestyle. What I mean is I love to give a woman pleasure, especially when she allows me to, gives me the open door to play with her sensuality in any manner, or direction I choose. I consider myself to be a genteel man, so if you’re looking for the guy that will slam you against a wall before entering you while gripping a fistful of your lovely hair, as my teeth bite into your neck, pounding you until it almost hurts – I’m not your guy. I could be though, I suppose if you trusted me enough to try to teach me. Instead, I’m the guy that will delicately move my fingertips and lips and tongue and skin across your body in such a manner that my goal would be to eventually have your mind lose consciousness while you writhe with pleasure reaching climax, only to open your eyes and see me smiling with great pleasure knowing I have attempted to satisfy your delicious needs.

So, yeah, let’s talk about sex. I love it, I really do, and I miss it so much. My spouse well, she’s insatiable. At least she used to be, I couldn’t catch up. Well, that’s not exactly true – I always had to begin, and after awhile I became bored. if I wanted sex, I simply made the move, and she would comply, but move toward me, take control, take my penis in her mouth in a manner that suggested she wanted to please me, no, that is not something I have experienced. Take control in a manner that when I entered her it was about getting me off, no, that hasn’t really been a pattern. Wake me in the middle of the night with her hands stroking me to show me she, um, loves me? Nah, that hasn’t happened either. So, I return to my fantasy life … which lately, is becoming a little unsettling.

I began this passage because I wanted to talk about those keywords, boundaries and marriage. I find that when I used to want to, after a night of trying to get laid away from my marriage, and coming home unsuccessfully, I could easily have sex with my wife, and all of my aggression would become her pleasure. I have not ever felt she was faking her pleasure, but if she has, well, then she’s a better actor than me, and that is my profession. I guess the thing I’m curious about is when do the frustrations of a partnership begin to interfere with the physicality of a relationship to such a degree that the couple become those two ships in the night? I am curious, I am soul-searching, I am in the meantime, available, intellectually, though I would love to imagine giving pleasure to a woman who wants to be satisfied, rather than obligated.

For now, I continue to try my hand at erotica, which, of late, just hasn’t been that satisfying. A lot of you and your writings though, are simply fabulous.

Thanks for listening.